You Had Time
by Yulliah
Summary: He asked for time and I told him he could have all the time in the world. But how long does it take for him to figure it out? Written for Loopylou992's Birthday!
1. Chapter 1

**This is a three part story I've written for my friend Loopylou992's birthday!**  
**Happy birthday, hon! I hope you have a good one!**

**Thank you my awesome prereaders for this story: The amazing KGQ and the gorgeous James!**

**This is NOT betaed, so excuse me my mistakes...**

**A/N: I do not own Twilight.**

* * *

New York, May 5th, 2012

My Edward,

I hope that that was okay. It still feels that way, though I haven't seen or talked to you in over a month. I'd like to think that unless you tell me otherwise, I still belong with you, as you belong with me.

I miss you, baby, I really do. Even more than I would imagine missing you.

I lay down my pen and took a deep breath. Running my fingers through my unruly hair I glanced at the framed picture of us on my desk. We were so happy back then, at least I had been. We'd flown down to Miami to visit Edward's mother for her birthday. Even through the thick sunglasses it was clear that the only one in my life was him. I loved him, still did and I would probably love him the rest of my life.

I sighed again and pick up my pen again.

I'm still not sure what happened, what changed. I thought we were happy, that you wanted to be with me as much as I want to be with you. Now I'm just trying to wrap my head around what you said the day you walked away. You needed time...

And I respect that, I honestly do. I told you that you could have all the time in the world, that I'd be waiting. But the waiting is getting harder without hearing anything from you. I wonder where you are, what you're doing. I'm wondering what goes on in your mind.

I reached out for my pack of smokes and lit a cigarette. Fuck! Talking about my emotions and feelings was never something I'd been very good at. It was one of the things Edward found so frustrating in his relationship with me. He was always very open and clear.

My torturous memory brought me back to the moment he'd told me he loved me for the very first time. It was pouring down as we quickly made our way to the subway station. Our day in central park cut short. I was pissed off as this was supposed to be a great day. It was supposed to be perfect.

"_I'm sorry, baby," I said as we finally reached the cover of the underground station. "I'm really sorry the rain fucked up our day."_

_He looked up at me with those wonderfully green eyes and smirked. "The rain didn't fuck up anything, Jay. Every day is perfect, as long as I spend it with the man I love."_

_My eyes opened wide in surprise. Had I really just heard him say that he loved me?_

"_What?" he said. "You're surprised I love you?"_

_I nodded and he pulled me closer and kissed me._

Damn, I needed a drink, though I knew I really shouldn't. I'd never been much of a drinker until the day Edward was sitting on the couch, waiting for me as I got home from work.

Instead I once again picked up my pen and wrote.

I wonder if you think of me, or if you think of him. I trust you to be true to us, but I can't help but feel that I'm losing you. I can fight anything that comes my way and I want to fight for you, for us. I just don't know how to hold on to you and show you how much I think we belong together when you aren't here.

And how I wish you were here. How I wish you never met him. How I wish...

But, no. You aren't and you have and as much as I wish and hope, this is ultimately your decision. I'm not angry, though I don't really understand. You've always been the one and only person to complete me. I am hurt however. I'm hurt that you doubt our love, our marriage.

When we looked into each other's eyes three years ago and I promised you forever, I meant it. I know you did as well and I know that in that moment you loved me more than anything. But now, now you aren't sure that it's me you want, and that hurts me more than anything.

I had to stop for a minute, the tears in my eyes making it hard for me to see what I was writing.

My stomach still turns when I remember his pained expression and the explanation of the suitcase next to the couch.

"_Something happened, Jay," he said as I cocked an eyebrow at him. "I don't really know how to explain it because my thoughts are a mess and my heart is torn." He paused for a moment. "I met someone."_

_My loud gasp made him flinch away as if I'd hit him. Guilt clearly showing on his face and my brain played a cruel trick on me. The image of my man in another man's arms forcing it's way to the front of my mind._

"_I-I didn't do anything, I wouldn't betray you like that, but I've got all these feelings that I can't understand," he quickly said._

_My face fell. Yes, it would've hurt me if he'd cheated on me, but the pain that now surged through my heart was nothing short of agony. What feelings? Was he in love with that guy? Was he leaving me? Was he leaving me for him? He had a fucking case packed. Did he no longer love me?_

_I had to ask and his response was hesitant; "I don't know."_

_He sat down with his back towards me and sighed. "I never wanted this. What I feel for him-"_

_He turned around to face me and it took me all my strength to not look away from his tormented eyes._

"_It's different from what I feel for you. But it's strong and I don't know what it is exactly," he said. "I need to find out, staying with you like this, it isn't fair to either one of us."_

_I rushed to his side and took his hands. "Edward, I don't care about fair. Please, baby, don't leave me. If you still love me, then please, I beg you, don't leave."_

"_I have to, Jay. I can't do this!" he said, his voice colored by pain and frustration. "I have to figure this out by myself."_

_He stood up and picked up his suitcase. In a last attempt to make him stay, I cupped his face and kissed him. I put everything in that kiss; my pain, my love, my desperation._

_He didn't kiss me back and as I stepped away from him and let him go, I felt tears stinging behind my eyes._

"_I'm sorry, Jay. I need time, please give me time."_

_I pinched the bridge of my nose and closed my eyes. "I love you," I said, as if that was ever a question. "I can give you time, you can have all the time in the world. Just promise me to not give up on us?"_

_My last words were more of a question than a statement. Insecurity I had never felt with him before raging through my veins, as realisation set in and a cold shiver of loneliness ran down my back._

"_Where will you go?" I asked after he promised._

"_I don't know," he answered me. "I'm going to my mother first and after that, I don't know."_

_Somewhere in the back of my mind relief coursed through me. If he went to Miami he wasn't just running away from me, he was also running away from him. Though there was no way to be sure of that._

"_The guy," I started. "Is he-"_

"_I'm not going to him," he interrupted me. "I wouldn't, please trust me. I just need to be on my own for a while."_

_He took a step towards me and gently lay his hand against me cheek. The warmth felt so good that I leaned into his touch for a second. His hand was gone too soon. He was gone too soon. And as he opened the door of our home and stepped outside, I had to tell him again._

"_I love you."_

"_I know."_

I glanced at the clock. 1 am. Jesus, I had been writing on this letter for 4 hours straight and I hadn't even bothered to eat.

Alice, my sister would have my hide if she knew, she was already fussing over my loss of weight over the past month. I couldn't help it. Food lost it's taste without him, life lost it's color and my heart was empty.

I closed my eyes and absentmindedly twirled my wedding ring around my ring finger with my thumb. It was something I always did when I felt sad. However, it didn't help me now. It used to give me strength, knowing my bond with Edward was strong and it would always pull me through. It no longer gave me strength, not anymore.

Our bed is empty, my life is empty. If I could just hear your voice, if only for a moment. I'm really losing it, losing you. Your smell is long gone from the house and I miss it. God damn it, I miss you!

I called his mother last week after staring at the phone for hours. It was him I wanted to talk to, but I promised to give him time. She was as close as I could be to him and I just needed to talk to someone, to know if he was okay.

"_Esmé Cullen," she said as she answered._

"_Esmé? It's Jasper, I-" I said, but I didn't really know what to say._

_After a couple of seconds I heard her soft and gentle voice again. "Jasper, sweety, how are you holding up?"_

_Her kindness overwhelmed me and I sobbed as I spoke. "I'm not, I'm breaking down. I can't lose him, Esmé, I can't!"_

"_Oh, honey, I know, I know."_

"_H-how is he? Is he okay?" I asked, dreading to hear the answer._

"_I can't tell you," she said._

"_Esmé, please!" I cried. "I need to know. I haven't heard from him since he walked out the door."_

"_That's not what I mean, dear. I can't tell you because I don't know," she said. "He gave me his address, but he doesn't answer his phone and I haven't seen him in 2 weeks."_

_We didn't speak for minutes and it felt good to just know she was on the other side of the line._

"_Jasper? I'm coming over," she broke the silence. "I'll check for flight times and I'll be there before the end of the week."_

"_No, Esmé, you can't. You can't just pack up and leave just because of this. I don't want to bother you," I quickly replied._

"_Nonsense, Jasper!" she said. "You are my son for all intents and purposes! I'll see you soon, so you better prepare your guest room!"_

We talked for another hour before hanging up and true to her word, she emailed me her flight information. I would pick her up tomorrow morning. I was looking forward to it. For all intents and purposes she was my mother as well. She was the only mother I'd ever known.

I stretched my sore limbs and bent down over my letter once again.

I need to know you're okay and I need to know that there's still hope for us. Please, Edward, I need you. I don't mean to smother you, or invade your solitude. But, baby, you said you needed time...

...and you had time.

Yours with love,

Jasper

* * *

**I hope you liked it. Please let me know by leaving me a little comment.**  
**Part 2 will be up in a couple of days...**  
**Love,**

**Yull**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you, once again; KGQ and James for pre-reading this story!**

**Loopylou992, you are awesome!**

**Banners can be seen in the respective chapters on AO3. I post there under the same penname. Each chapter has a different banner.**

**A/N: I don't own twilight. The poem/lyric is by me.**

* * *

I ran my fingers through my hair and tugged at the end as I stared at the ocean. Sure as anything, the tide came and went. If only my thoughts and feelings were as simple as that. But no, love and life had played a cruel trick on me and I wasn't sure of anything anymore.

A dog ran up to me and rubbed his body against my legs. The beach was near empty this late in the evening and I looked around to search for his owner, but he or she was nowhere to be seen. I ran my hand over his thick black coat and scratched him behind his ears.

I felt like the biggest asshole in the universe, I surely _was_ the biggest asshole in the universe. Leaving my husband and partner at home as I tried to find out if I still wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

I missed him like crazy, his gentle touch, his amazing smile and the safety of our home and life. The trouble was, that I didn't deserve him if I couldn't give him what he gave me.

Riley Biers, the guy who turned my world upside down, literally ran into me on the street. I don't think I would've given him a second glance otherwise, but he splashed his coffee all over my crispy clean shirt, immediately apologizing. After I tried to convince him I was okay, he offered to buy me lunch to make up for it.

Thinking back, I regret saying yes. Though honestly, it wasn't anything other than just that. Him making up for ruining my shirt. And I swear on my mother's life that there was no tingling, no attraction, none at all. It wasn't until we got talking that he became more interesting and more alluring.

His smile was like the sun rising and setting at the same time, pulling me closer, mesmerizing. The way he talked, so open, so utterly careless, was refreshing. And when he touched my hand over the tabletop, my skin lit on fire.

That's where I went wrong, where I made a mistake and opened myself up to this total fuckery. He asked if he could see me again, and I said yes.

I knew it was wrong, that even though I hadn't actually cheated on my Jasper, I was betraying him all the same. A married guy, legally or not, should not give out his phone number to someone who was clearly interested. A guy like that should not make plans to have lunch again the next day. But I did.

The black dog grumbled, lay down next to me and turned his head away.

"I know, Buddy, I know," I whispered at him, like he could hear my thoughts and was as disappointed in me as I was. He rolled to his side, his warm and heavy back over my feet. Strangely that made me feel a little bit better. Like he accepted me with all my faults, though I had no right to feel that way.

Jasper greeted me with a warm embrace and a searing kiss when I got home that night. And as he lay peacefully asleep in my arms, I lay awake, thinking about Riley and looking forward to our lunch together. I didn't even have the decency to feel guilty.

Jasper, he who should be the love of my life. The man I would have given up my life for. Whom I vowed my undying love to time and time again. I hurt him more than I ever wanted to. The look on his face when I left and he pleaded for me to stay still tore at my heart. I couldn't even return the words when he said he loved me, as I wasn't sure of how I felt.

He wasn't even angry with me, as I knew I would've been. He just gave me what I needed most. Time.

God how I missed him, his smell, his taste and the feeling of his arms around me.

I ran my thumb along my wedding band and sighed. I knew now, that Riley wasn't more than a stupid crush, someone new and exciting. I had reveled in his attention and liked being wanted by someone other than Jasper, but I hadn't really loved him. I'd merely been confused and even though my feelings for Riley were out of the picture, I was _still _confused.

How could I have even had a crush on someone else? What was wrong with me, with my marriage? Surely someone didn't fall for someone else when their relationship was good? Surely I wouldn't have fallen for Riley if I had been completely happy?

So where did that leave me? Where did that leave us?

I buried my bare feet in the sand and sat down. If only it could all be as simple as the tide washing in, evening out the footsteps of everyone that walked the beach during the day. If only it could wash away my doubts and sooth the lingering pain in my heart.

Though I didn't deserve my pain. I didn't deserve my doubts. It had been me who wronged him, not the other way around. And even though I knew that I should be working this out together with him, I was still hiding. Hiding from the fact that I hurt him. I was a spineless coward, doubting the best thing that ever happened to me.

Still, even as I longed to be back in our home, missing him like he was a limb ripped from my body, I wasn't sure. If he would ask me now, I couldn't honestly promise him that this would never happen again. For I had no idea why it happened in the first place.

I sat down, pondering as the sun set over the horizon, my mind never giving me a moment's rest. I honestly wished I could be washed away with the sand. Dissolving into nothing while my tormented soul would finally calm down.

I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat and I couldn't write. You would think that a musician like me would bury his soul in a sea of sad and melancholic music. But truthfully? Heartache is cruel and raw, not even half as beautiful as my muse made me believe. My heart no longer sang the way it did when I had Jasper's arms wrapped around me.

When the darkness surrounded me and the chilly evening breeze made me shiver, I got up and walked back to the beach house. My thirty-fourth night alone, without him, and it was my own fault. I had none else to blame but my own deceiving heart.

The black dog followed me back to the house and lay his head on his paws, looking up at me like he was saying; 'Don't worry, I'll still be here in the morning.' The thought made me smile.

Exhausted but unable to fall asleep I lay awake for hours. Then finally, as the sun came through my bedroom window, I drifted off with Jasper still on my mind.

_I walked down our street, up to the house we'd been living at for years. Our home, our life. Something felt off._

_It might have been the dark black clouds hanging over my head, threatening to open up and rain down on me. It might have been the warm cozy light coming through the windows, throwing shadows back at me. It might even have been the unknown car in the driveway._

_I should've just turned around and walked away. But instead I got my key from my pocket and tried to open the door. It didn't fit, I couldn't get in. Why wouldn't my fucking key fit the lock to my own house? I banged the door and waited until I heard muffled sounds coming from inside._

_It wasn't Jasper who opened the door. No, it was a dark haired guy who looked at me with raised eyebrows._

"_Yes? Can I help you?" he said and I was confused._

_I took a few steps back and looked at my house. I was at the right house, right? Yeah I was! What was this guy doing at my house?_

"_Who the fuck are you?" I asked him, anger coursing through my veins. "What are you doing here?"_

_He looked me up and down before he answered. "I live here."_

"_No you don't! I fucking live here! Where's Jasper?" I said in a raised voice._

_Confusion washed over his face before he turned his head away from me and called out into the house; "Jasper? Baby?"_

_The fuck?_

"_Jasper, could you come out here for a second?" he called out again and I heard movement on the stairs._

_When two arms slid around the man's waist and my husband's head appeared in the door opening I bit my lip to stop from screaming._

"_What is it, babe?" he purred into the man's ear and I could taste the blood on my abused lip. The fuck?_

_He turned his head to face me and his face fell. "Edward!" he gasped and the man in his arms tensed._

"_What the hell is going on here, Jay? Who the fuck is this?" I yelled. I was ready to hit the fucker's teeth out if he didn't move away from my man this instant._

_Jasper let go of the man and took a step toward me. "Edward, you have some nerve showing up here after all these years. You needed time, but how long was I supposed to wait for you? Waiting for you to make up your mind?" he asked me._

_Years. _

_The world spun around me, the ground opening up to swallow me whole._

_Years._

I shot up in my bed, confused about where I was. Years!

I squinted my eyes against the light pouring through the open curtains and took in my surroundings. Fuck! Thank God that was just a dream. No, a nightmare! Jasper moving on, forgetting about me and starting a new life in our home.

I really needed to sort my feelings out and fast. Dream Jasper was right; How long was he supposed to wait for me to sort out my shit? How long until he would give up on us? Weeks? Months? He wouldn't wait for me forever. If I didn't hurry the fuck up, there would be nothing to sort out. He'd be gone.

I slowly pulled my aching body from my bed and went through my meaningless morning routine. I showered, I got dressed, I made breakfast and stared at it for twenty minutes and sat down at the piano. My fingers placed on the keys, a feeling so familiar and yet so wrong at the same time. I couldn't find myself to make them move, filling the house with music.

With a deep sigh I got up and took my pad outside. Maybe the fresh autumn air blowing through my head could clear my mind. Maybe the salt of the sea could spark my soul.

I sat down on the sand and started writing.

Dreams 

Our eyes met and for a moment I was gone,   
don't want to think about these God damned thoughts that felt so wrong,   
Is it me who made you feel alive but frightened?   
I could see the hurt hide in your eyes, I saw your eyes,

The words flowed from the deepest corners of my heart. Maybe it wasn't perfect poetry and they were probably not the best words I've ever written. But they were true, more true than every other word I'd ever written before.

Memories overwhelmed me as I wrote. The way Jasper's eyes had pleaded with me to stay as his whispered voice gave me space, let me go. When he kissed me, I wished I could've returned the emotions he poured onto my lips.

I wished I could've told him what he needed to hear more than anything, that I still loved him more than anything in the world. I was selfish when I cupped his face, taking in the touch of his skin against my hand. I had been even more selfish when I answered 'I know' to his heartbroken 'I love you'. Why couldn't I just have said I loved him too? Even if I hadn't been sure? Couldn't I at least given him that?

I wasn't sure now, if leaving had been the right choice. Yes, maybe I _should _have stayed. Riley, though I did have some sort of feelings for him, didn't mean half as much to me as Jasper did. I waited to tell him, because I had been a coward. He had so much power over me, always able to talk every ounce of insecurity I ever felt into something futile. With a single word he could change my mind and I loved that about him. But in this decision I couldn't let myself be influenced by him, it had been too important.

Looking back down at my pad I started writing again.

and yes, I made the worst mistake I ever could've made,   
but is it right to think I should've stayed?   
Where you would look at me that way,   
and I would watch you laying down my courage and the things I'd like to say...

The soft wet nose of a dog pushing against my wrist made me look up.

"Hey there, buddy," I said as he lay down next to me. "Looking for a friend? Where's your family?"

Of course he didn't answer me, but a satisfied ripple went through his body with the low groan he uttered as I scratched him behind his ears again.

Jasper and I had dreams; A dog, a family. Was all that gone, or did I still want that with Jasper? To fill our life with happiness and love?

Again I felt the loneliness wash over me. God, I missed him. Even if I couldn't love him as much as he loved me, could I really live the rest of my life without him? I loved him being a part of me, I liked the man he made me be. Who was I really without him by my side?

All the dreams about tomorrow I made laying in your arms,   
where they just whispers of a newly-wed couple?  
Then could I sleep and dream forever?   
Because I don't want to be me, myself again without you.

He would always pick me up when I was down, as I would hold him when he was sad. He completed me like no one ever had before. A team of friends, lovers, partners. He was the light in my life, my muse, my everything.

My inspiration fading with the light in your eyes,   
somehow I'd like to capture your smile,   
lock and treasure it forever,   
or maybe just steal it for a while...

A stomach growled loudly and it took me a moment to realize it wasn't mine but the dog's.

"Hey, Buddy, are you hungry?" I asked dumbly. Though talking to a dog was better than talking to myself.

I got up and shoved my pad into the back of my pants. Taking another look at the dog at my feet, I softly called him. "Come on, Buddy, let's get you something to eat."

He didn't follow me at once when he got up, but watched me as I slowly walked back to the house, looking at him over my shoulders every once in awhile. Only when I had almost reached the wooden steps up to the porch, did he sprint after me.

Again he lay down at the bottom of the steps with his head on his paws as he gazed at me with an intent look in his eyes. We stared at each other for a moment, before I beckoned him. "Come on."

I searched my cupboards for something the animal could eat and decided on the sausages I baked myself this morning. They were still on a plate on the kitchen table, untouched. Shame to let it go to waste anyway.

As I sat the plate down on the floor I noticed there was no collar on the dog. Didn't he have a home? A family who missed him? He sure seemed very hungry. He devoured the sausages in a few seconds and I pulled a pan from a hook and filled it with fresh water.

The irony of the ocean hit me as he drank as if his life depended on it. All that water, but nothing to drink. I knew though that a hungry and thirsty dog shouldn't be allowed to indulge. It wasn't good for their health, so after a moment or two I picked up the pan again and pat the dog on his side.

"Was that good, Buddy? You can have more later," I told him and reached for my phone.

I called the local animal shelter and asked if there was a dog missing. They hadn't heard anything and told me he might just be one of the strays roaming the beach. They asked me if I wanted them to pick him up, but I didn't want to let him go. Instead I gave them my information in case someone came looking for him.

After I hung up, I squatted down and scratched his ears, he seemed to like that a lot. "Guess it's just you and me, Buddy," I whispered and sat down on the floor next to him.

After maybe half an hour the sound of my mailbox filling caught my attention. Giving the now slumbering dog another pat, I got up to get my mail.

The crispy white envelope immediately caught my eye, my name in Jasper's graceful handwriting making my heart throb in my throat. I lay the rest of my mail on the side table and took the envelope into the living room.

I carefully opened it and took out the three folded pages and read.

As his emotions flowed through me, I couldn't hold back the tears. Here it was, proof of how much he loved me and I had let him down. Yet _still _he loved me, wanted me back. He was so much more than I deserved.

And as I read the last lines of his heartfelt plea, I knew he was right.

_You said you needed time..._

…_and you had time._

What the fuck was I still doing here?

* * *

**Please let me know what you think!**


	3. Chapter 3

**This is the third and last part of this story...**

**Thank you everyone for the awesome reviews! I will reply to them all this weekend! Love you all!**

**And a HUGE Thank you to The awesome KGQ and The amazing James for pre-reading!**

**I just like to add; Yes, Edward was wrong and made a really bad descision. Both in spending time with Riley and in leaving. But even though he's confused, he does love Jasper. And Jasper loves him. **

**A/N: I don't own Twilight.**

* * *

**JPOV**

I sat at the kitchen table as Esmé made us breakfast. I wasn't really hungry, but she insisted I eat something. I had to admit that the smells coming from the stove were to die for, though it fell heavy on my heart. I couldn't cook for shit, but Edward had mad skills behind the stove.

"Esmé?" I asked quietly. She smiled brightly at me as she turned around to face me. I dropped my gaze. "Do you think he'll come back? Do you think he'll choose me?"

She lay down her spatula and hurries around the table to cup my face in her tiny hands and force up my stare to meet hers. "Jasper, listen to me very carefully. That man loves you more than anything in this world. I don't know what has gotten into him, and right now I just want to slap him silly, but he _will _come back to his senses."

She sighed and patted my cheek, turning back to the sizzling pan of bacon. "The only thing I worry about is how long it will take him to do so," she muttered and picked up her spatula.

"I don't care how long he takes," I said confidently. "I'll wait for him forever, as long as he comes back."

She shook her head, her back still towards me. "Edward is a right out idiot to even _think_ he could ever do better than you, honey. I hate to saying this about my own son, but right now he doesn't deserve you."

She plated the toast and bacon cheese melt and sat it down in front of me. "Now here, eat up, you lost an awful lot of weight."

"Yes, boss," I said and dug in.

I was halfway through when the doorbell rung. I reluctantly stood up, made my way to the hallway and opened the door.

For seconds that seemed like hours we stared into each other's eyes. I didn't know what to do or what to say. He was back, but what did that mean? What did he decide? I didn't dare hope that he came back to me. He just stood there with a hesitant look on his face, his bottom lip between his teeth, the way he did when he was struggling for words. And why on earth didn't he use his key?

I opened my mouth to say something when a huge black Labrador jumped up at me. I chuckled and pushed him off before I leaned down and scratched his flank.

"Now who do we have here?" I asked in a kind voice and laughed as the dog lapped his tongue over my cheek.

"Buddy, behave!" Edward said almost embarrassed.

"Buddy?" I asked with a huge smile on my face.

"Yeah, he's kind of homeless and I thought-" he paused for a second, swallowing his nerves. "I _hoped _that you would take us in."

I wanted to tell him that - yes, the dog could live with us, but only then realised what he had actually asked me. If I would take _them _in. He came back and he wanted to stay.

I practically launched myself at him and covered his face with desperate kisses. His eyes, his cheekbones, his neck, his nose, his chin, every fucking inch I could reach. And when my mouth reached his I pulled him closer and planned on never letting go.

My hands found his hair as his arms slid around my waist. It felt so good to be there again. Maybe he came back, but I most certainly came home.

I inhaled his smell, moaned at his taste and read his skin with my fingers like a blind man, making sure it was really him and not some cruel trick of my desperate mind. My God, how I missed him, how his absence turned me into a raging mess.

Tears formed in my eyes and I pulled away from him, searching his face for some reassurance. "Don't you ever do that to me again, you hear me?" I said roughly, my voice cracking up with the emotions that raged through me. "Don't you _ever _do that to me again, you asshole!"

My words made him flinch, but without hesitation he shook his head and told me what I needed to hear.

"Never, Jay. I fucked up, I fucked up badly and I can only hope that one day you'll forgive me," he said and he wiped away the tears that were now freely flowing down my cheeks with his thumb.

I crashed my mouth to his lips again and smiled as he mumbled 'I love you' against mine.

"Ooooh!" we heard from the kitchen and Edward broke the kiss, cocking his eyebrow in surprise.

"My mother?" he asked incredulously.

"Jasper, there's a dog in here!" Esmé called out and Edward chuckled.

"Buddy! Stop scaring my mother!" he shouted and the dog came back into the hallway. I could've sworn he batted his eyes innocently at us.

"Edward?" Esmé said and popped her head out the kitchen door. When she saw him a stern look crossed her kind and gracious features and within a moment she was next to us, slapping my man in his face.

"Auw!" he whined palming his cheek. "What was that for?"

"If you _ever_," she scowled pointing her finger at Edward's chest, "pull this nonsense on my boy again, you're in for a world of hurt!"

He dropped his guilt ridden gaze and simply answered; "Yes, mom."

"Now come here," she said as she pulled him into a warm embrace. "I've been so worried about you, honey. What on _earth_ were you thinking?"

When she pulled away from him her eyes were filled with tears, but she was smiling. She put a hand on each of our shoulders and gave a gentle squeeze before her expression turned serious again.

"Now why is there a dog in the house?" she asked and Edward grinned mischievously.

"That's Buddy, he's ours," he said and Buddy nuzzled his hand as if he was agreeing.

"Why Buddy?" I asked.

He turned towards me and shrugged his shoulders. "Heartbeat - why do you miss when my baby kisses me?" he simply said, quoting the song we danced to on our wedding and I smiled my widest smile at him before I hugged him tightly.

"All right, I think Buddy should go for a _long _walk," Esmé chuckled and asked Edward for the dog's leash.

With a sheepish look he explained how he didn't have one, or anything else the dog might need and his mother immediately offered to get the required supplies.

Obviously she just wanted to give us some privacy, which I was very thankful for.

As soon as she locked the dog in the kitchen and closed the front door behind her, Edward was backing me up towards the stairs. His hands roaming my body as mine did his.

We went up, across the landing and into the bedroom without losing a physical connection. I wanted him and needed him, not having had him close for over a month. But...

"Wait," I moaned against his throat. He didn't falter and pulled up my shirt, leaning down to kiss the uncovered skin. "Wait," I said again, this time pushing him slightly away from me. He looked confused and hurt.

"I just need to know, the other guy, is he-" I started, though I didn't know what I was really trying to ask. Did Edward still have feelings for him? Did I need to worry? Hell, I didn't even know who he was. I never dared to ask. I bit my bottom lip and let my eyes wander away from his.

Before I could formulate the rest of my question he lay a finger against my lips. "Shhh, there's nothing there. I don't love him like I love you, Jay. It was nothing, a stupid, stupid crush. I won't see him again, not ever. Just please, please tell me this won't ruin us?" he said.

That would be enough, for now. I knew we still needed to talk and we would, but not now. Right in this moment I wanted to feel, to be connected in the most basic way humanly possible.

Without breaking our eye contact I grabbed him by the waistband of his jeans and pulled him closer. With steady hands I popped the button and opened the zipper. His eyes turned a shade darker and I was captured by it. Drawn in by his intense gaze, never planning to escape.

I didn't pull his jeans down, but grabbed the hem of his shirt instead, pulling it slowly over his head as my fingers lightly grazed his skin on the way up. As soon as the fabric fell to the floor, I ran my hands down his neck, over his chest and traced the veins between the V-lines of his stomach. I felt him shiver more than I could see it, still looking him in his eyes.

He sucked his lips in between his teeth, his lashes lowering without closing entirely. I knew that my treatment of his body was tortuous, but right now I didn't care. I wanted to get reacquainted with every single inch of him. I loved his skin against mine, hard, sweaty and fast, but not today. Not now that I finally had him back with me. No, I would treasure this moment, forever etch it into my brain.

Then finally I pushed him down on the bed and slowly stripped down his jeans over his legs. While I freed his feet, I pressed soft kisses on them, traveling up over his calves, his knees and his thighs. He was softly panting now, but I was nowhere near finished with my exploration. I missed him, so fucking much and I needed to know every part of him was still mine.

Licking up the hollow between his hip and his cock, I sighed. The taste of his skin, I'd almost forgotten it. Combined with his rich smell it was overpowering. Fuck him being mine still, he owned me. Everything I was, was his, like I had always been.

When I'd kissed and licked and nipped my way back up to his mouth, he ran his fingers through my hair. How I loved it when he did that, or when he gently rubbed the back of my neck. He knew me so well, better than I knew myself at times.

Our eyes once again locking, he unbuttoned my shirt and slid it over my shoulders, only braking our connection for a second to kiss the skin over my heart and place his right palm against it. He threw me a breathtaking smile and without words I lay my hand on top of his, twisting our fingers together. I could feel his wedding ring cling against mine and I took our hands up to my mouth to kiss our intertwined knuckles.

His free hand ran down my chest and over my abs to the fly of my pants. Reluctantly I let go of him and rose to my feet at the side of the bed, getting rid of the last piece of clothing between us. I lay my head against his chest for a moment when I crawled up against him and he traced the muscles of my back lightly with his strong fingers.

"Hey, Jay?" he whispered and I raised my head to look at him. "I love you."

Smiling I leaned in and kissed him chastely. "I love you too," I whispered back and kissed him again.

I moved a little so I was laying on top of him and he parted his legs. Our cocks lay against each other's and I sensually started rocking my hips to his. There was no immediate rush, no frantic need. Just us, enjoying being together once again.

When his arms rounded my chest and he pulled me tighter, I reached out for the nightstand and took the bottle of lube from the drawer. I shifted again, so I was laying against his side, I pulled up his leg and coated my fingers with the smooth liquid.

I ran my hand down his shaft to his balls, rolling and squeezing lightly . With one finger I traced the dark line from his balls over his perineum to his puckered hole. I rubbed it slowly, not enough pressure to slid my finger inside, but enough to make him moan and writhe under my touch.

Only when he threw his head back and his lips parted, did I push my finger inside. I could feel how tight he was and a gasp escaped him. Not moving my finger I placed gentle kisses on his jaw and throat until I felt him slowly relax.

I took my time fully preparing him with kisses and caresses, and when I finally lubed my cock and entered him, he opened his eyes to look at me. I was in awe because of the love I could see there. Dark and light at the same time, from the deepest parts of his heart, reaching out to me. Experiencing this was like making love for the very first time.

I watched him while I moved my hips in a steady rhythm, knowing he was as overwhelmed by this as I was. Our pants and moans never loud, but emotion screaming between us.

I curled my fingers around his length and started stroking in time with my thrusts. His eyes went wide and his breath caught just before hot streaks of cum covered my hand and his chest. His contracting muscles around me pulling me over the edge. I stroked and thrust until we were both fully sated and collapsed on top of him.

Edward wrapped his strong warm arms around me and lightly purred. We hadn't screamed or cussed like we were used to doing. This time hadn't been for lustful satisfaction, this was us bonding again. Finding each other's souls with our bodies and minds. And that satisfied me more than any rough fucking could ever do.

I synchronized my breathing with the steady rise and fall of his chest as I let the sound of his beating heart soothe me. Slowly I drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

**EPOV**

I chuckled as I saw Buddy run across the field with a large piece of wood. I tried to keep it light, as Jasper was reading a book, his head rested against my stomach. I leaned back on one elbow and ran my fingers through his dark unruly hair, gently scratching his scalp the way he liked it.

I loved lazy days like these. The July sun high in the sky as we spent the day in Central Park with Buddy. I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his forehead. He looked up at me and smiled widely at me, his dimples making me weak inside.

How could I have ever doubted my feelings for him? He was a part of me, he owned me. The thoughts of almost having lost him through my own stupidity still made my heart stutter in anxiety. Never ever would I doubt my love for him again.

The night I came home I left the bed in search for something to drink, only to find my mother in the Kitchen. She patted the seat of a stool at the breakfast bar and poured me a cup of tea.

"_Tell me, honey. What's still bothering you?" she asked me and sat down next to me._

"_I still wonder if I love him as much as he deserves to be loved," I answered truthfully, hoping she wouldn't scold me for not being sure._

_She didn't. She simply looked at me for a moment before she asked me; "Why?"_

_I sighed and took a sip of tea._

"_Because I can't help but wonder; if I really truly loved him that way, how could I have fallen for Riley?"_

_She chuckled and shook her head. "Silly boy," she said. "Do you honestly believe that that's the way it works? Do you think I never fell for another man than your father?"_

_My eyes widened. "What?"_

_She took my hand in hers and looked me in the eyes. "Your father was the only man for me, there's no question about it. But when you were two years old, I fell for another guy. His name was Peter. I still have very fond memories of him, though your father couldn't stand the sight of him, for good reason."_

_She smiled like she was enjoying a secret joke before she went on._

"_He courted me, a married woman with a child on her hip, and damn it if it didn't make me feel like the most desirable woman on the planet."_

_I rumpled my nose and shrug off the thoughts of my mother as a desirable woman. There's just things you don't need to know about your mother._

"_In all honestly, it gave me back a lot of confidence that I'd lost during the months of feeling and looking like a humongous whale. You father couldn't give me that, as he loved me and his words were biased to me. But even in all the attention and the feelings I had for Peter, I was happy with Carlisle, happy with you and happy with my life," she said draining my heart of any lingering doubts._

"_Mom, do you ever think you could love and marry again? You know?" I asked. I hated seeing my mother alone, far away from me and Jasper._

"_Who knows? Right now there is no place for another man in my heart. Though it's getting easier to not think of your father every single minute of every single day. Easier to slowly let him go," she answered and my heart ached for her._

_Dad died almost three years ago and I hoped that she would find love again. He would've wanted her to find love again, I was sure of it. But I understood. If anything ever happened to Jasper, I don't think my heart would be big enough to love someone else._

"What ya thinking about?" Jasper asked me with his book resting on his chest.

I smiled at my wonderful husband and sighed contently. "I was just thinking how much I loved you," I said and leaned down to kiss his lips.

He moaned softly and pulled back a little. "I love you too, baby."

* * *

**Thank you all for reading and please let me know what you think!**


End file.
